Want Something: Part 2

Next to maintaining some form of a reasonable GPA in school, one of the greatest stressors during this chapter of life can be figuring out how to not sacrifice your dignity while in the midst of dating.  There are few things more embarrassing than a bad choice in a partner, or suffering through the inevitable bad dates. Besides all the complications of being nice but not too nice, available but not too available etc… the real challenges start to arise when you feel like you aren't making progress on the road to relationship-hood.  When it doesn’t feel like you are getting what you want out of finding a relationship and dating, things start to warp into this desired reality that you wish to exist.  It can feel like an extreme state of confusion, decisions can become impulsive; like you are trying to soothe an indescribable dissatisfaction.  The most common reaction to the desperation of not finding that person seems to be the tactical move of reverting to the past.  

Dating should be less about matching outward circumstance than meeting your inner necessity-Anonymous 

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Your mind shuns the anxiety of meeting all the wrong people and you begin to lower your confidence in your own identity.  Suddenly that EX doesn’t seem like such a horrible situation, you really didn't mind when he/she was too clingy, or too boring, or too uninterested (insert whichever break up reason here).  The standards may begin to lower as the desire to redo the past lingers. Wanting something you used to have is not a realistic depiction of what you truly desire.  Besides dwelling on what used to be, the memories begin to fade and many of us choose to focus on the happier moments in what typically was a horrible relationship.  It is good to want something, but not something that doesn't want you. 

There are TWO SCENARIOS to this situation 

1. You are dating someone else but it doesn't feel like it should...

In this situation you will try and convince yourself of false truths and avoid admitting the obvious; that the EX only seems like a good idea because you saw a cute couple holding hands on your run this morning.  No matter who you are with, you will still get annoyed by the same things, laugh at the same things, and feel unhappy towards the same things over the course of life. Chances are the EX was a source of these negative examples and considering going back is tempting to repeat the past.  This in return closes you off from the potential to experience a new and possibly meaningful connection.  

OR

2. You are single and still pretending that your EX is waiting for you too...

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This one can take a psychological toll, and can make it difficult to see the potential of what may be right in front of you.  Playing the waiting game is how illogical rationalizations begin to develop.  No matter how hard you try, no relationship (whether it is with the EX or someone new) will ever be the same as the old one. I may be better or worse, but all you can do is allow yourself to be open to the possibilities. 

In MOST SITUATIONS, wanting something that you previously chose to give up is a blaring red flag that your current situation is not right. There is a reason why you are not with the same person you dated back then.  Whether you began to change, got bored, or wanted more out of the relationship something caused it to fail and communication to come to an end. I think that many people feel the desire to reconnect with the EX out of a need for closure. There is a motivation to seek out something that you didn't get the first time, but want to discover for your own sake.  If you choose to dwell on that motivation you stand no chance of moving forward.  Being stuck on the EX creates an imaginary bullet proof bubble that hinders your ability to actually move on with your life.  Instead of wanting the past, consider wanting something better than what you had.

You Owe it to Yourself 

Your old girlfriend/boyfriend  for whatever reason did not provide what you needed out of your relationship. Instead of wanting that person when things seem tough, realize that you are growing in more ways than you can realize.  You are allowed to want more than splitting the bill, or countless nights waiting for someone to call back.  We subject ourselves to these situations because it is how the game is perceived.  Dating doesn't have to be a drawn out trial and error process, and you can choose to avoid situations that will lead you no where. 

Take Responsibility

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Be honest about what you really want.  Usually if the EX begins to look like prince charming you desire one aspect of what you used to feel.  Because past relationships are so emotionally impacted, it can be easy to feel blinded by "the good times."  In order to move forward you need to take responsibility for how you want a partner to function in your life.  Understanding exactly what you desire out of another person can take time to comprehend.  Once you are able to clearly express what you need out of a relationship you will be on your way to establishing a successful one.  

Discover the Degrees of Dating 

When you are scrambling to replace the EX or trying to avoid being the only single friend, the random stranger at the bank can begin to look like a potential sole mate.  The anxiety associated with discontent in a relationship, or lack there of in your life translates into impulsive and irrational decisions.  Trying to make every person you meet into your new partner is not the answer.  This will not only exhaust you of all energy, but will creep out your unlucky victims.  No matter if you think you have the best poker face going, the other person in the situation will be able to feel your motivations.  There is a distinct difference between someone who is genuinely interested, and someone who is trying to fill the void.  Allow yourself to see new interactions as a potential connection. Whether you never see each other again, or remain close friends, experiencing different relationships will not only strengthen your perspective, but provide clarity to what you truly want in a relationship.    

No Judging

So you found someone who seems interesting, but they just don't know how to quote movies like the EX did.  Allowing comparisons like this to define who you choose to date is a one way ticket to a Netflix night for one.  You will never be able to recreate a past relationship, and there is no scientifically possible way to recreate an exact replica of a person either.  Comparing a new partner to the old ones is not only unfair to the new interest, but stunts your potential to evolve.  Learn to appreciate other aspects of what someone new brings to the table.  Making comparisons and passing judgements can be a difficult obstacle to over come in achieving your desired relationship.  By opening your mind you will have an easier time at getting what you truly want both in life and relationships.  

I am not saying that we all need to go sign up on Match.com, or get a name tag for the next local speed dating convention. Have the confidence to give yourself what you want, and what you truly deserve with an open mind and heart.  

-RV

Wandering Minds

As studying for exams commences and getting everything together for the holidays approaches, it is easy to feel like you are spreading yourself too thin. College students already feel like they are being pulled in too many directions, but this time of the year can send those stresses into heighten new extremes.  One of the most prominent signs of stress and anxiety is the inability to focus. While we could discuss the endless (negative) health effects of stress on your life, this post is meant to consider why you may have trouble diverting your thoughts from Facebook, and centering them on the research paper that you haven't started yet.

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Once your mind begins to wander it can take twice the time to get it back on track. This is when the distractions turn into rationalizations; you may begin to make promises with yourself to recommence on the task after you finish another episode of Walking Dead.  If you average out how many of your thoughts are comprised of focused substance in comparison with how many are spent day dreaming, it results in about a 50/50 split for young adults ages 18-25.  This lack of concentration impacts your body on a chemical level and ultimately results in the prolonged lifestyle of the procrastinator.  Scientists are targeting telomeres as the biological culprit for the lack of focus. According to researchers at the University of California telomeres are the protective caps at the end of chromosomes, and a direct reflection of your brain's accelerated rate into the aging process.  These telomeres will naturally get shorter as you get older, and reflect the onset of disease as you age. At the quarter life age of 20 something no one wants to try and tackle college calculus with the mental capacity of a 70 year old, the energy needed to focus would be exhausting. 

Multiple research studies done through the California Research Lab of Cognitive Therapy have proven that individuals who report a difficulty focusing have shorter telomeres overall.  One of the main reasons why we subconsciously let our minds wander is because it is easier to focus on something that does not have carry the amount of stress and pressure that writing a 20 page paper encompasses.  A quick suggested fix is to simply breathe.  The Journal of Emotion reports that a mere 8 minutes of focused breathing will help bring your mind back to focus.  With the benefits of breathing comes meditation and yoga. Both of these practices are not only good for your physical health, but stimulate the enzyme telomeres that can help elongate your chromosome caps. Trying out meditative practices will not only make you physically stronger, but will benefit your mental stamina as well. 

Certain vitamin deficiencies may also be causing you to forget to turn the stove off.  Deficiencies in certain vitamins like D and B-12 will hinder your ability to focus and lead to the dulling of nerve receptors in the frontal cortex.  Luckily offsetting the imbalance with vitamin supplements like omega-3s will not only slow your aging process but help strengthen your telomeres.

Once you establish a balanced diet filled with the necessary vitamins it is time to get moving. It may seem like exercise is the ultimate health cure all...because it is! With just 30 minutes of exercise a day you telomeres can look almost 10 years younger than those who are less than physically inclined.   If you are wondering where to start in order to maintain your memory, the majority of health specialists recommend a minimum of 30 minutes a day three to five times a week.  This physical activity and stimulated brain activity can actually rewire a distracted brain and will ultimately prevent against the dulling of sensors that can lead to memory affecting illnesses like Alzheimer's disease.

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There will be times that the situations seem to build up, and your life roles will conflict.  Prioritizing all of these responsibilities can sometimes demand more than the mind can handle which results in this feeling of distraction.  Built up stress and anxiety not only take years off your life, but cause you to have an elevated awareness of your surroundings.  Even the smallest distractions can turn into an hour of being side tracked. When watching grass grow becomes more interesting than the conversation you should be listening to, it may be time to take a minute or so to try and regain focus. 

The next time you lose your keys three times in one hour or try to put the cereal in the refrigerator consider how you may be treating your telomeres, and if that doesn't work proceed to meditate until all problems are solved.



Read more about wandering minds here!

Physical effects of stress

-RV

Who are You Dating?

There will come a day when you will be going on dates with lots of new people.  Whether those days are yet to come or you are in the midst of the confusing dating world, at some point  you will feel the urge to pick someone. Someone who for whatever reason seems to stand out a little more than the rest.  When I ask people how they know they chose the right person to be with it varies and sounds something like "It just felt right", which leaves the rest of us with absolutely no idea on how to get the happy relationship your best friend has.

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The single game puts excessive amounts of pressure of dating and finding the next relationship. When using the terms dating and relationship I am talking about something that is beyond the 'who wants to come home with me tonight' phase of things and heading into the 'who do i want to spend the weekend with?' stage.  During this time it seems like all or nothing, many of us are vehemently committed to abstaining from boyfriend/girlfriend territory while others have the 'ring by spring' motivation.  The easiest truth to remember about being with new people is that it should always be fun.  As elementary and irresponsible as this may be interpreted, the instant you start treating your dating game like finals week you stand no chance of finding someone who is actually worth your time.  Whether you are in a relationship or hoping one falls into your lap, everyone wants to be with someone who makes them happy; we spend too much time being with people who don't.  So how will you know when you have found something worth while?

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You will not feel like you are missing out on the next best thing.  After having your 'please date me radar' on for so long it can be a hard adjustment to turn it off once you are in a defined relationship.  How easily this radar is turned off once with this new person is typically a good indication of how much you really like your relationship.  While you were single and dating there were so many insecurities...if you met the best match, if your other option is going to try and contact you again.  You worry about making decisions, if they are pretty enough, if your friends like him/her, if you are ready to commit etc.  Being with someone worth-while will give you the freedom to let go of those worries and the pressure.  You will not need to have a back up plan because they will be your only plan. 

As you get further into the relationship and are feeling more worry free, more dynamics will form creating the fundamentals of your relationship.  You will give and receive on an equal level.  In a worth-while relationship you will have a sense of balance.  Anyone who has ever given too much (of yourself) in any situation can understand the lack of wholeness you feel as an individual. It can feel like a continual blank stare when you are giving your time and energy towards a one way relationship. Your ideal dating partner should build you up, he/she will make you realize that you are worth getting what you want out of life. 

Drama will not fuel your relationship. The constant desire for external validation towards your relationship can be exhausting.  You may feel like you need to hear how much other people approve of this new person you are with, you will worry that you are being judged with this person.  Having someone worth being with will make your own approval enough.  This is one of the few scenarios when tunnel vision can work in your favor.  By accepting that you alone are in control of your current relationship status, you will more easily understand why this person is a meaningful component in your life.  Fights won't come as a surprise, communication won't be forced, you will thrive off of making one another happy; everyone else can talk about your relationship among themselves at this point.  A lot of what seems to be a good relationship comes from extreme emotions like heated fights, passionate makeups, and unrealistic expectations.  In comparison to your bad relationships a good one can seem relatively boring. 


You will want to give back. It won't feel like an obligation or a responsibility, it will be a genuine desire to make the other person you are with happy.  Things as little as a 'I hope you have a great day' text will reiterate why you feel this way, and will allow you to selflessly reciprocate.  When gestures become forced or are driven by motives with an expected return is the moment when your current partner is no longer worth holding the door for.  In the same way, once the gestures begin to disappear and the desire to please fades could be signaling that the connection is fading.  When someone is worth your serious effort, the desire to see them and be a supportive factor will come naturally.

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I asked one of my favorite couples about how they knew their relationship was a good one and their advice was simple.

You will want to see your partner as much as he or she want to see you

It all goes back to the idea of balance between a partnership.  Giving and receiving, being worry free, etc. are all aspects that require active participation on both ends.  The next time you are gritting your teeth through that horribly awkward first date consider if this person offers any of these things for you!

-RV

Want Something

One of the most challenging aspects of life is figuring how to get what you want.  If you are ever feeling frustrated but can't pinpoint exactly why you feel this way, consider if you are getting what you want out of your current situation.  A big part of becoming who you are supposed to be is having the confidence to achieve all that you wish to accomplish.  Unfortunately this seems easier said than done in many cases.  Making excuses..."I was so tired and the professor didn't post a study guide"...or shifting the blame..."he didn't pass it fast enough for me to score" are all ways that we divert the true reason why our goals fell short.  The most important thing to keep in mind while trying to get what you want out of life is to maintain a conscious relationship of honesty with yourself.  

The idea of being in a relationship with yourself may seem odd and down right depressing for those of us in single-hood, but is the most important relationship you will ever find yourself in when it comes to reaching your goals.   This advice may sound extremely parental and irritating on so many levels.  No one wants to be told they are doing something wrong, and facing the truth on an individual level is not easy. 

Being honest with one's self is the most challenging exercise of all. -Sigmund Freud

Facing the truth can happen in a number of ways, the most common being a harsh reality check from someone close to you.  Typically inflicted in the heat of an argument, being forced to accept the reality of life challenges you to actively be aware of who you are becoming, and where your goals are heading.  At this point in life having a clear identity of self is more than just joining a club or choosing a major, it is a process that never truly ends. 

The tactics that are used to fool yourself typically aren't fooling others.  Everyone feels vulnerable with being their true self and exert a large amount of energy trying to maintain a certain status.  One of the most prevalent and typical college examples that comes to mind is 'the person who knew everything about the past election'.  If there is one thing more uncomfortable being around than vulnerability it is ignorance; especially since watching Good Morning America's recap of the debate hardly counts as a comprehensive overview of the state of American politics.  By maintaining an identity that may not be fully real you are undermining your own credibility and the respect of those in your life.  

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Through avoiding the truth you consequently live a life that doesn't feel like your own, working a job that sucks, or with a girlfriend/boyfriend who you dread taking out in public.  There are missed opportunities living this alternative life.  When you choose to truthfully participate life decisions will feel more natural and less of a deal breaker. 

Truth evaders get worn down by the belief that their thoughts define reality. Your perspective becomes limited when you put so much pressure on yourself to achieve your goals.  The real strides are made when you are able to critically challenge your own thoughts by (mentally) taking a step back and considering where your worries fit in with the rest of the world.  Egos aside, getting what you want will be much easier if you can accept that flaunting your extensive knowledge on the top ranked sports teams may not put you on the fast track to being on top.  

The biggest culprit of self trickery is the desire to control.  Believing that you have to do everything right in order to reach success leads you to the chronic perfectionist category.  This motivation is defined by the individual's definition of perfection which in the mind of a '20 something' probably has a few readjustments to be made.  By accepting that you cannot control every aspect of your future, you can feel more comfortable recognizing the truth. Based off of personal experience, I can confidently say that no matter how impossible a situation may seem, it will work itself out despite your unfaltering attempts to fix it yourself.  When things start to go wrong it feels a lot like when you carry too many groceries up the stairs; once one bag drops the entire Kroger run goes toppling down the stairs after it. 

Accepting reality may come in waves.  It may take time to feel comfortable with being honest about certain situations.  Regardless, shifting into a more honest mindset will  allow you to have a more direct understanding of what you truly wish to accomplish out of life.  Knowing how to get what you want is a learned skill that comes with exploring your true passions and interests.  Instead of complaining about how things never go your way, resolve yourself to the understanding that you can and will get what you want.   

How to be more Honest 

 -RV

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Does your Diet do that?

As Americans we have eternally been labeled the most obese country in the world.  And even more disappointing is the fact that when it comes to food selections Americans have choices, and the world's most extensive list of trending diets.  Despite these diet selections, we as a population still can't seem to pull ourselves out of the McDonald's drive-thru line.  This resistance to a balanced diet has led researchers to consider traditional diets from around the world.  As a result of this study they have found what could potentially be the world's healthiest diet.

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According to Business Insider 18-29 year old Americans have an obesity rate of 20.3%. This rate proportionally increases with age meaning that as time goes on your pants size only gets bigger (in comparison with the rest of the nation). To coincide with a national growing waste line, obese people have medical costs that are about $1,429 more than the medical costs of people with an average weight.  Culturally these numbers continue to grow.  Looking towards other countries with statistically healthier lifestyles, longer life expectancies, and an overall absence of chronic disease can shed light on how to get Americans away from the plus size image.

When taking a closer look at diets on an intercultural level, it becomes apparent that the frozen chemically comprised meals of popular diets like Weight Watchers are not the answer.  Across the board the world's healthiest diets are all low-fat diets rich in fish, lean protein, vegetables, fruits and beans (Forbes.com).  Any diet that focuses more on the consumption of natural substances will reduce cholesterol levels and contribute cancer fighting antioxidants.  Consider choosing fish over the greasy burger next time you are looking for a bite to eat.  Fish has endless health benefits and is high is omega 3 fatty acids that reduce the risk of the number one chronic disease in our country, heart disease.

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Another difference between Americans and the rest of the world is the concept of portion size.  Somewhere along the way a portion size became the equivalent of a dinner for two in other countries.  The ancient idea of portion control is how the healthiest countries maintain their figure.  Because of this conscious understanding of what they are eating, individuals are able to indulge without ruining their calorie counting for the day.  Researchers propose adopting aspects of the world's healthiest diets into your daily routine instead of trying to change your lifestyle into something that it is not.  As obvious as this suggestion seems other studies question whether it is the diet or the health care in these foreign countries that has them taking the stairs.

So what is the healthiest diet?

The Japanese, Chinese, and Mediterranean diets have been identified as the most balanced globally.   Asian cultures have the lowest statistics of chronic disease and the diets have been correlated with a longer life expectancy.  Asian diets fall short in some areas when the amount of sodium intake is considered in the majority of dishes.  Across the board researchers agree that the Mediterranean diet out shines all other cultural practices when it comes to food.  The diet is high in olive oil, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains; yielding a 9% lower death rate than people who ate lower amounts of the included foods.  Similar to the Asian diet, those who consumed Mediterranean centered meals had significantly lower rates of heart disease. 

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If all of the numbers and portions are too much to keep track of the answer to a healthier diet is simple, eat more fruits and vegetables.  These diets all have a higher consumption of the healthiest aspects of a meal, while most Americans are pouring over the dessert menu.  Incorporating the values of international diets will only increase the amount of vitamins and enzymes that you consume.  Overall letting (healthy) diversity play a part in your meal plans will not only broaden your palette, but also shrink your waste size.  Snacking on freshly prepared stir fry and fresh fruit sounds much better than ordering a 5 dollar mystery meat burger at your local super-size me, doesn't it? 

-RV

Want more facts about American health?

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A Good Healthy Scare

 

In the wake of Halloween everyone is coming off of what seemed to turn into a week of partying, candy highs, and possibly the thrill of being scared.  If you watched the video above it is likely that you will never have the power to inflict a scare like Ellen Degeneres. Lucky for the rest of us, October 31st is the one day of the year where it is socially acceptable to intentionally scare someone.  Halloween would not be the same if you didn't have the chance to go through haunted trails and anticipate how much fear you will experience. Nothing sounds more fun than having a random stranger with a chainsaw chase you around in public right? 

 

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There is a reason why we crave this typically discomforting raise in adrenaline. Joseph LeDoux professor at the Center for Neutral Science at New York University explains that "it is a safe way to trigger an arousal response and some people find that pleasurable and enjoyable" This explains that it is not the haunted house so much as the emotions and experiences that make a thrill so addicting.  The brain has specific processes that respond and react to fear.  Anything that leads to heightened awareness, such as being chased by someone imitating a zombie, triggers a response that leads you to transition into self protection mode.   You may not necessarily be scared at the sight of what you are seeing, but rather alerted because of the loud noisesand commotion.  LeDoux claims that "because the brain stem controls this, startle responses are purely reflexive."

Have you ever noticed how some people don't seemed phased by these inflicted scares? This is because among individuals, especially young developing adults, there are variations in the amygdala which is what controls how you chose to react to a situation.  Some people have higher or lower quantities of adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol which are release during emotional reactions.  Whether you run in pure terror without purposeful direction, or reflexively punch the intruder in the face, your chemical composition is what compels you to react in a certain way.

Because hormones come into play activating response neurons in the brain, individuals can learn to crave this chemical release. In the same way that running, smoking, or meditation release stress a fear response is a rapid high and release of the same chemicals.  The goal of turning on a Steven King movie or checking out the haunted trail is all in hope of activating these bodily responses.  This desire is similar to why some people chose to go base jumping or hang-glide over mountain ranges, better known as adrenaline junkies.  Arousal is the end result and makes the experience a new definition of enjoyable. 

Learn more about where this information was found!

How fear works

-RV