Be a Better Partner

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College relationships are an entirely different breed of interactions.  You want to have a meaningful connection, but live with people who are doing what they feel rather than what they think.  People developmentally are at different stages of maturity, immaturity, and intellectual capabilities. Now these relationships occur during a time when the only way to truly validate your status is to make it Facebook official.  And a time when you text the person for dinner plans rather than discussing them face to face. When you decide to commit to someone there are various socially defined labels that follow-  "the sorta kinda together couple" or "the married couple" etc.  The relationship becomes bigger than just the two people involved and being a good partner can seem impossible when all of these external factors are playing a role.  There will always be the friend who judges your relationship, or the classic disapproving parent.  During this time in life you have to balance school, work, friends, and hopefully a meaningful relationship with someone special. Balancing all of these factors is not an easy task, and prioritizing means that someone has to take a back seat. A healthy relationship should not feel like it is dragging you down, or making things more difficult. On the other hand you have to make a conscious decision to be involved in your relationship, and hopefully develop on a deeper level.  Getting caught up in this busy time makes it hard to remember all of the different roles you have to play; one of which is being a good partner.  When you are in a healthy relationship you are able to develop your strengths and better understand what you are looking for in a long term commitment. These points of advice are meant to give some suggestions on how to make a college relationship work, and to avoid making those little mistakes that can put you in the dog house. 

Love is the answer-but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. -Woody Allen 

Don't look for flaws: When you meet someone new it all seems too good to be true, which is why many people (due to past failed relationships) refuse to believe that they may actually be with a good person.  You start trying to look for flaws or some way to second guess your feelings.  This tactic usually results from past mistakes and hurt. If you are with someone who makes you happy trust your feelings.  The best relationships are unforced and happen naturally. A good way to avoid flaw searching is to focus most on valuing the aspects in which you are similar with your partner. 

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Be honest about everything: This is a big one. Honesty is one of the most highly regarded characteristics in any relationship, so it is no wonder that it is important in a romantic relationship.  No matter what happens it is always the best idea to tell the truth.  If something happens that you are afraid to own up to like you don't like their new hair cut,  or something more serious like a bad night at your friends party, being honest is difficult. A big part of admitting the truth is being honest with both yourself and your partner.  Thinking about why you chose to do what you did, and understanding if it truly was a mistake or a decision that compensates some greater issue. 

Be open: Be open to everything when it comes to relationships.  You might not like watching Monday night football or going to yoga class, but allowing yourself to experience new things within the relationship will bring you both closer together.  As a couple you can explore new things and build your relationship about the experiences that may have challenged your comfort zone. Even the smallest experiences will show that you care and value this other person enough to do things together. 

Trust and mean it: So many couples claim that they trust each other, but trust isn't double checking their emails, or hacking into their Facebook. When you find someone you truly trust you won't feel obligated to do those things.  Both people will feel at ease and believe in the other person telling the truth.  Feeling like you can't trust the person is never a good situation.  An even worse feeling is being the one who isn't trusted.

Do what you say: This relates back to trust. Making empty promises will cause the other person to lose faith in not only you as a person but in the relationship as a whole.  Bailing on date plans, not calling when you said you would, going out with your friends instead all fall under the category of red flags and usually mean that the relationship is becoming less of a priority over time.  

It's not always his/her fault: Once you are in a relationship it becomes easy to blame the other person for your problems.  Trying to place the blame on everyone but yourself creates feelings of resentment and hostility.  Whether it is your partner's fault or not, openly discussing the problem and understanding both of your roles in the issue is going to result in a much better understanding and will reveal more about what makes things work.

Be present: The phrases "I don't care and doesn't matter to me" never end well.  Being opinionated in a relationship shows that you are involved. Responding "I don't care" when asked where you would like to go to dinner every time you are asked to dinner will result in you no longer getting asked to dinner. When you start to lose the desire of opinion the relationship begins to feel like a one way street, and one person begins to feel like they are doing all of the work.  Relationship benefits should be on an equal level in order to be totally functional.  This does not mean that each person has to benefit in the same way. 

Build each other up: I think this one is often overlooked when it comes to young relationships.  We spend so much time trying to impress the other person and to come off a certain way that you don't even bother to appreciate how great your partner is.  There is nothing wrong with giving a compliment and recognizing both of your strengths. You are able to express your true feelings towards your partner, and feel empowered by having him/her by your side. 

-RV