Want Something: Part 2

Next to maintaining some form of a reasonable GPA in school, one of the greatest stressors during this chapter of life can be figuring out how to not sacrifice your dignity while in the midst of dating.  There are few things more embarrassing than a bad choice in a partner, or suffering through the inevitable bad dates. Besides all the complications of being nice but not too nice, available but not too available etc… the real challenges start to arise when you feel like you aren't making progress on the road to relationship-hood.  When it doesn’t feel like you are getting what you want out of finding a relationship and dating, things start to warp into this desired reality that you wish to exist.  It can feel like an extreme state of confusion, decisions can become impulsive; like you are trying to soothe an indescribable dissatisfaction.  The most common reaction to the desperation of not finding that person seems to be the tactical move of reverting to the past.  

Dating should be less about matching outward circumstance than meeting your inner necessity-Anonymous 

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Your mind shuns the anxiety of meeting all the wrong people and you begin to lower your confidence in your own identity.  Suddenly that EX doesn’t seem like such a horrible situation, you really didn't mind when he/she was too clingy, or too boring, or too uninterested (insert whichever break up reason here).  The standards may begin to lower as the desire to redo the past lingers. Wanting something you used to have is not a realistic depiction of what you truly desire.  Besides dwelling on what used to be, the memories begin to fade and many of us choose to focus on the happier moments in what typically was a horrible relationship.  It is good to want something, but not something that doesn't want you. 

There are TWO SCENARIOS to this situation 

1. You are dating someone else but it doesn't feel like it should...

In this situation you will try and convince yourself of false truths and avoid admitting the obvious; that the EX only seems like a good idea because you saw a cute couple holding hands on your run this morning.  No matter who you are with, you will still get annoyed by the same things, laugh at the same things, and feel unhappy towards the same things over the course of life. Chances are the EX was a source of these negative examples and considering going back is tempting to repeat the past.  This in return closes you off from the potential to experience a new and possibly meaningful connection.  

OR

2. You are single and still pretending that your EX is waiting for you too...

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This one can take a psychological toll, and can make it difficult to see the potential of what may be right in front of you.  Playing the waiting game is how illogical rationalizations begin to develop.  No matter how hard you try, no relationship (whether it is with the EX or someone new) will ever be the same as the old one. I may be better or worse, but all you can do is allow yourself to be open to the possibilities. 

In MOST SITUATIONS, wanting something that you previously chose to give up is a blaring red flag that your current situation is not right. There is a reason why you are not with the same person you dated back then.  Whether you began to change, got bored, or wanted more out of the relationship something caused it to fail and communication to come to an end. I think that many people feel the desire to reconnect with the EX out of a need for closure. There is a motivation to seek out something that you didn't get the first time, but want to discover for your own sake.  If you choose to dwell on that motivation you stand no chance of moving forward.  Being stuck on the EX creates an imaginary bullet proof bubble that hinders your ability to actually move on with your life.  Instead of wanting the past, consider wanting something better than what you had.

You Owe it to Yourself 

Your old girlfriend/boyfriend  for whatever reason did not provide what you needed out of your relationship. Instead of wanting that person when things seem tough, realize that you are growing in more ways than you can realize.  You are allowed to want more than splitting the bill, or countless nights waiting for someone to call back.  We subject ourselves to these situations because it is how the game is perceived.  Dating doesn't have to be a drawn out trial and error process, and you can choose to avoid situations that will lead you no where. 

Take Responsibility

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Be honest about what you really want.  Usually if the EX begins to look like prince charming you desire one aspect of what you used to feel.  Because past relationships are so emotionally impacted, it can be easy to feel blinded by "the good times."  In order to move forward you need to take responsibility for how you want a partner to function in your life.  Understanding exactly what you desire out of another person can take time to comprehend.  Once you are able to clearly express what you need out of a relationship you will be on your way to establishing a successful one.  

Discover the Degrees of Dating 

When you are scrambling to replace the EX or trying to avoid being the only single friend, the random stranger at the bank can begin to look like a potential sole mate.  The anxiety associated with discontent in a relationship, or lack there of in your life translates into impulsive and irrational decisions.  Trying to make every person you meet into your new partner is not the answer.  This will not only exhaust you of all energy, but will creep out your unlucky victims.  No matter if you think you have the best poker face going, the other person in the situation will be able to feel your motivations.  There is a distinct difference between someone who is genuinely interested, and someone who is trying to fill the void.  Allow yourself to see new interactions as a potential connection. Whether you never see each other again, or remain close friends, experiencing different relationships will not only strengthen your perspective, but provide clarity to what you truly want in a relationship.    

No Judging

So you found someone who seems interesting, but they just don't know how to quote movies like the EX did.  Allowing comparisons like this to define who you choose to date is a one way ticket to a Netflix night for one.  You will never be able to recreate a past relationship, and there is no scientifically possible way to recreate an exact replica of a person either.  Comparing a new partner to the old ones is not only unfair to the new interest, but stunts your potential to evolve.  Learn to appreciate other aspects of what someone new brings to the table.  Making comparisons and passing judgements can be a difficult obstacle to over come in achieving your desired relationship.  By opening your mind you will have an easier time at getting what you truly want both in life and relationships.  

I am not saying that we all need to go sign up on Match.com, or get a name tag for the next local speed dating convention. Have the confidence to give yourself what you want, and what you truly deserve with an open mind and heart.  

-RV