Who are You Dating?

There will come a day when you will be going on dates with lots of new people.  Whether those days are yet to come or you are in the midst of the confusing dating world, at some point  you will feel the urge to pick someone. Someone who for whatever reason seems to stand out a little more than the rest.  When I ask people how they know they chose the right person to be with it varies and sounds something like "It just felt right", which leaves the rest of us with absolutely no idea on how to get the happy relationship your best friend has.

dated.com

The single game puts excessive amounts of pressure of dating and finding the next relationship. When using the terms dating and relationship I am talking about something that is beyond the 'who wants to come home with me tonight' phase of things and heading into the 'who do i want to spend the weekend with?' stage.  During this time it seems like all or nothing, many of us are vehemently committed to abstaining from boyfriend/girlfriend territory while others have the 'ring by spring' motivation.  The easiest truth to remember about being with new people is that it should always be fun.  As elementary and irresponsible as this may be interpreted, the instant you start treating your dating game like finals week you stand no chance of finding someone who is actually worth your time.  Whether you are in a relationship or hoping one falls into your lap, everyone wants to be with someone who makes them happy; we spend too much time being with people who don't.  So how will you know when you have found something worth while?

discoverychannel.com

You will not feel like you are missing out on the next best thing.  After having your 'please date me radar' on for so long it can be a hard adjustment to turn it off once you are in a defined relationship.  How easily this radar is turned off once with this new person is typically a good indication of how much you really like your relationship.  While you were single and dating there were so many insecurities...if you met the best match, if your other option is going to try and contact you again.  You worry about making decisions, if they are pretty enough, if your friends like him/her, if you are ready to commit etc.  Being with someone worth-while will give you the freedom to let go of those worries and the pressure.  You will not need to have a back up plan because they will be your only plan. 

As you get further into the relationship and are feeling more worry free, more dynamics will form creating the fundamentals of your relationship.  You will give and receive on an equal level.  In a worth-while relationship you will have a sense of balance.  Anyone who has ever given too much (of yourself) in any situation can understand the lack of wholeness you feel as an individual. It can feel like a continual blank stare when you are giving your time and energy towards a one way relationship. Your ideal dating partner should build you up, he/she will make you realize that you are worth getting what you want out of life. 

Drama will not fuel your relationship. The constant desire for external validation towards your relationship can be exhausting.  You may feel like you need to hear how much other people approve of this new person you are with, you will worry that you are being judged with this person.  Having someone worth being with will make your own approval enough.  This is one of the few scenarios when tunnel vision can work in your favor.  By accepting that you alone are in control of your current relationship status, you will more easily understand why this person is a meaningful component in your life.  Fights won't come as a surprise, communication won't be forced, you will thrive off of making one another happy; everyone else can talk about your relationship among themselves at this point.  A lot of what seems to be a good relationship comes from extreme emotions like heated fights, passionate makeups, and unrealistic expectations.  In comparison to your bad relationships a good one can seem relatively boring. 


You will want to give back. It won't feel like an obligation or a responsibility, it will be a genuine desire to make the other person you are with happy.  Things as little as a 'I hope you have a great day' text will reiterate why you feel this way, and will allow you to selflessly reciprocate.  When gestures become forced or are driven by motives with an expected return is the moment when your current partner is no longer worth holding the door for.  In the same way, once the gestures begin to disappear and the desire to please fades could be signaling that the connection is fading.  When someone is worth your serious effort, the desire to see them and be a supportive factor will come naturally.

wildthing.com

I asked one of my favorite couples about how they knew their relationship was a good one and their advice was simple.

You will want to see your partner as much as he or she want to see you

It all goes back to the idea of balance between a partnership.  Giving and receiving, being worry free, etc. are all aspects that require active participation on both ends.  The next time you are gritting your teeth through that horribly awkward first date consider if this person offers any of these things for you!

-RV

Want Something

One of the most challenging aspects of life is figuring how to get what you want.  If you are ever feeling frustrated but can't pinpoint exactly why you feel this way, consider if you are getting what you want out of your current situation.  A big part of becoming who you are supposed to be is having the confidence to achieve all that you wish to accomplish.  Unfortunately this seems easier said than done in many cases.  Making excuses..."I was so tired and the professor didn't post a study guide"...or shifting the blame..."he didn't pass it fast enough for me to score" are all ways that we divert the true reason why our goals fell short.  The most important thing to keep in mind while trying to get what you want out of life is to maintain a conscious relationship of honesty with yourself.  

The idea of being in a relationship with yourself may seem odd and down right depressing for those of us in single-hood, but is the most important relationship you will ever find yourself in when it comes to reaching your goals.   This advice may sound extremely parental and irritating on so many levels.  No one wants to be told they are doing something wrong, and facing the truth on an individual level is not easy. 

Being honest with one's self is the most challenging exercise of all. -Sigmund Freud

Facing the truth can happen in a number of ways, the most common being a harsh reality check from someone close to you.  Typically inflicted in the heat of an argument, being forced to accept the reality of life challenges you to actively be aware of who you are becoming, and where your goals are heading.  At this point in life having a clear identity of self is more than just joining a club or choosing a major, it is a process that never truly ends. 

The tactics that are used to fool yourself typically aren't fooling others.  Everyone feels vulnerable with being their true self and exert a large amount of energy trying to maintain a certain status.  One of the most prevalent and typical college examples that comes to mind is 'the person who knew everything about the past election'.  If there is one thing more uncomfortable being around than vulnerability it is ignorance; especially since watching Good Morning America's recap of the debate hardly counts as a comprehensive overview of the state of American politics.  By maintaining an identity that may not be fully real you are undermining your own credibility and the respect of those in your life.  

politicals.net

Through avoiding the truth you consequently live a life that doesn't feel like your own, working a job that sucks, or with a girlfriend/boyfriend who you dread taking out in public.  There are missed opportunities living this alternative life.  When you choose to truthfully participate life decisions will feel more natural and less of a deal breaker. 

Truth evaders get worn down by the belief that their thoughts define reality. Your perspective becomes limited when you put so much pressure on yourself to achieve your goals.  The real strides are made when you are able to critically challenge your own thoughts by (mentally) taking a step back and considering where your worries fit in with the rest of the world.  Egos aside, getting what you want will be much easier if you can accept that flaunting your extensive knowledge on the top ranked sports teams may not put you on the fast track to being on top.  

The biggest culprit of self trickery is the desire to control.  Believing that you have to do everything right in order to reach success leads you to the chronic perfectionist category.  This motivation is defined by the individual's definition of perfection which in the mind of a '20 something' probably has a few readjustments to be made.  By accepting that you cannot control every aspect of your future, you can feel more comfortable recognizing the truth. Based off of personal experience, I can confidently say that no matter how impossible a situation may seem, it will work itself out despite your unfaltering attempts to fix it yourself.  When things start to go wrong it feels a lot like when you carry too many groceries up the stairs; once one bag drops the entire Kroger run goes toppling down the stairs after it. 

Accepting reality may come in waves.  It may take time to feel comfortable with being honest about certain situations.  Regardless, shifting into a more honest mindset will  allow you to have a more direct understanding of what you truly wish to accomplish out of life.  Knowing how to get what you want is a learned skill that comes with exploring your true passions and interests.  Instead of complaining about how things never go your way, resolve yourself to the understanding that you can and will get what you want.   

How to be more Honest 

 -RV

thinkit.org

Does your Diet do that?

As Americans we have eternally been labeled the most obese country in the world.  And even more disappointing is the fact that when it comes to food selections Americans have choices, and the world's most extensive list of trending diets.  Despite these diet selections, we as a population still can't seem to pull ourselves out of the McDonald's drive-thru line.  This resistance to a balanced diet has led researchers to consider traditional diets from around the world.  As a result of this study they have found what could potentially be the world's healthiest diet.

mindbodygreen.com

According to Business Insider 18-29 year old Americans have an obesity rate of 20.3%. This rate proportionally increases with age meaning that as time goes on your pants size only gets bigger (in comparison with the rest of the nation). To coincide with a national growing waste line, obese people have medical costs that are about $1,429 more than the medical costs of people with an average weight.  Culturally these numbers continue to grow.  Looking towards other countries with statistically healthier lifestyles, longer life expectancies, and an overall absence of chronic disease can shed light on how to get Americans away from the plus size image.

When taking a closer look at diets on an intercultural level, it becomes apparent that the frozen chemically comprised meals of popular diets like Weight Watchers are not the answer.  Across the board the world's healthiest diets are all low-fat diets rich in fish, lean protein, vegetables, fruits and beans (Forbes.com).  Any diet that focuses more on the consumption of natural substances will reduce cholesterol levels and contribute cancer fighting antioxidants.  Consider choosing fish over the greasy burger next time you are looking for a bite to eat.  Fish has endless health benefits and is high is omega 3 fatty acids that reduce the risk of the number one chronic disease in our country, heart disease.

foodnetwork.com

Another difference between Americans and the rest of the world is the concept of portion size.  Somewhere along the way a portion size became the equivalent of a dinner for two in other countries.  The ancient idea of portion control is how the healthiest countries maintain their figure.  Because of this conscious understanding of what they are eating, individuals are able to indulge without ruining their calorie counting for the day.  Researchers propose adopting aspects of the world's healthiest diets into your daily routine instead of trying to change your lifestyle into something that it is not.  As obvious as this suggestion seems other studies question whether it is the diet or the health care in these foreign countries that has them taking the stairs.

So what is the healthiest diet?

The Japanese, Chinese, and Mediterranean diets have been identified as the most balanced globally.   Asian cultures have the lowest statistics of chronic disease and the diets have been correlated with a longer life expectancy.  Asian diets fall short in some areas when the amount of sodium intake is considered in the majority of dishes.  Across the board researchers agree that the Mediterranean diet out shines all other cultural practices when it comes to food.  The diet is high in olive oil, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains; yielding a 9% lower death rate than people who ate lower amounts of the included foods.  Similar to the Asian diet, those who consumed Mediterranean centered meals had significantly lower rates of heart disease. 

foodie.com

If all of the numbers and portions are too much to keep track of the answer to a healthier diet is simple, eat more fruits and vegetables.  These diets all have a higher consumption of the healthiest aspects of a meal, while most Americans are pouring over the dessert menu.  Incorporating the values of international diets will only increase the amount of vitamins and enzymes that you consume.  Overall letting (healthy) diversity play a part in your meal plans will not only broaden your palette, but also shrink your waste size.  Snacking on freshly prepared stir fry and fresh fruit sounds much better than ordering a 5 dollar mystery meat burger at your local super-size me, doesn't it? 

-RV

Want more facts about American health?

Read more about the source of this post!

A Good Healthy Scare

 

In the wake of Halloween everyone is coming off of what seemed to turn into a week of partying, candy highs, and possibly the thrill of being scared.  If you watched the video above it is likely that you will never have the power to inflict a scare like Ellen Degeneres. Lucky for the rest of us, October 31st is the one day of the year where it is socially acceptable to intentionally scare someone.  Halloween would not be the same if you didn't have the chance to go through haunted trails and anticipate how much fear you will experience. Nothing sounds more fun than having a random stranger with a chainsaw chase you around in public right? 

 

collegehumor.com

There is a reason why we crave this typically discomforting raise in adrenaline. Joseph LeDoux professor at the Center for Neutral Science at New York University explains that "it is a safe way to trigger an arousal response and some people find that pleasurable and enjoyable" This explains that it is not the haunted house so much as the emotions and experiences that make a thrill so addicting.  The brain has specific processes that respond and react to fear.  Anything that leads to heightened awareness, such as being chased by someone imitating a zombie, triggers a response that leads you to transition into self protection mode.   You may not necessarily be scared at the sight of what you are seeing, but rather alerted because of the loud noisesand commotion.  LeDoux claims that "because the brain stem controls this, startle responses are purely reflexive."

Have you ever noticed how some people don't seemed phased by these inflicted scares? This is because among individuals, especially young developing adults, there are variations in the amygdala which is what controls how you chose to react to a situation.  Some people have higher or lower quantities of adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol which are release during emotional reactions.  Whether you run in pure terror without purposeful direction, or reflexively punch the intruder in the face, your chemical composition is what compels you to react in a certain way.

Because hormones come into play activating response neurons in the brain, individuals can learn to crave this chemical release. In the same way that running, smoking, or meditation release stress a fear response is a rapid high and release of the same chemicals.  The goal of turning on a Steven King movie or checking out the haunted trail is all in hope of activating these bodily responses.  This desire is similar to why some people chose to go base jumping or hang-glide over mountain ranges, better known as adrenaline junkies.  Arousal is the end result and makes the experience a new definition of enjoyable. 

Learn more about where this information was found!

How fear works

-RV