Why it's Good you are Single

It’s good you’re single if...

You shop in the frozen food isle at the grocery store: While a nice Stouffer's lasagna is incredibly satisfying on any given Monday night, someone who is on the market for a partner and trying to date successfully is going to be more willing to spice it up when it comes to food and beyond. The willingness to experiment with food is a major point of date-ability.  It not only reflects a desire for new experiences, but proves you have an openness to change; you have the ability to appreciate something new. 

The thought of a night alone with your computer sounds equally as exciting as a Harry Potter movie marathon: under no circumstances should someone hoping to land a relationship feel a deeper attachment and emotional stimulation from watching Harry save Hogwarts than from a human interaction. If a movie marathon weekend (insert anti-social hobby here) truly is what you enjoy on the weekends, it simply means that mentally you may not be ready to try out dating. As you transition towards the idea of a relationship your idea of a good time will gear towards activities that will embrace the cultivation of a new interaction. While you are single fulfillment is found through activities that do not challenge you to present yourself in a certain way, the most effort this mindset takes is deciding between season 1 or 2 of your favorite show.  

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You wear pajama pants in public: This one is somewhat obvious. If your 'going out in public' attire looks something like ripped sweat pants, your water stained Uggs, and wet shower hair it is good you are single.  It all comes back to the effort you put into how you are perceived.  Many people especially single ones have vowed that if someone truly loves them they will not feel obligated to change their appearance from anything but the 'i just spent three days on Facebook' look.  I do not mean to say that we need to slip into our alter egos in order to attract attention but appreciate yourself enough to show off your positive qualities.  There is nothing dysfunctional about representing the best version of you, and being confident enough to let others appreciate what you are portraying. We live in a highly visual society where attractions are formed from an external perspective, personality following in second place.  No one wants to date the person who just rolled out of bed to come see you.  Please do yourself a favor and take advantage of this; put on something with a button and zipper from time to time.
   

The guy on the bachelor is "going to be your future husband":  This one deals with the idea of delusion and grandeur. You are allowed to have high expectations while you are single.  Single-hood welcomes the idea of day dreaming about the perfect partner.  This can be highly beneficial in that it allows us to critically consider what we want when dating becomes an option again.  You are able to be honest to yourself without everyone asking what your next move is going to be, look at it as a time of contemplative retreat.  We all know that once we start dating those expectations may lower when it becomes apparent that your first dates will not entail being whisked away to an exotic country in a private jet. Getting out there and dating forces you to face reality while a single mindset allows your thoughts wander. 

Saying “I am really focusing on me right now” actually makes you feel happy: When you are single this is a major affirmation of your decision to avoid the inclusion of others in your personal life. Many people who put dating on the back burner feel like they have to sentence themselves to a life solitude and internal self discovery.  If you are considering looking for someone else to share your happiness with, phrases like this will become a figment of your imagination.  Your desires will begin to broaden and you will want to share yourself in a positive way with another person.  Knowing yourself is the best way to achieve a meaningful relationship so it is crucial to spend time focusing on you every now and then.  It gives you the ability to reconsider if you are satisfied with how your dating experiences are going, and also provides you with the opportunity to make necessary changes if you have dated one to many people who think that a relationship is a part time job. 

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You still think putt-putting and go-karting are acceptable date ideas: With this one I am making the assumption that anyone reading this is over the age of 13 and has a drivers license. If you considered either of these as an option for your upcoming date, consider if you are trying to recreate a middle school memory, or truly get to know someone.  While those who may oppose the stigma of put-putting argue that either of these date options promote competitiveness and say 'I like to have a good time', there are numerous other ways to accomplish this goal that don't require you to revert back to 5th grade tactics. Your date will appreciate you thinking out of the box during the early days.  The traditional date ideas carry significant value, but another crucial part of establishing a meaningful relationship is to actually get asked out on a second date.  Choose something that will create a pleasant memory of your experience; not bring up that time your go-kart ran out of gas and the 12 year old ran you off the road.

The phrase “Nothing is better than guy's night (or girls night)” serves a daily affirmation: It is phrases like this that are used to reaffirm your decision to be single. Socially we feel pressured to embrace our current status (single or not) and project contentment so as to not worry our family and friends about the lack of intimacy in our life.  Many times there is nothing better than a night out with your closest friends. When the time comes to explore dating more deeply, you may  have to sacrifice dollar beer nights with the boys in order to establish what you truly desire with this new person. Once it is decided that this person is worth pursuing you are able to combine your love of guys nights with your new partner as you progressively work the two worlds together.  

The word love causes you to break out in a cold sweat and look for the nearest exit: Once the desire to date fades from your conscious mindset it can be easy to forget all of the responsibility it takes to formulate meaningful commitments to another person.  As we live life on our own terms, being required to answer to another person's influence can feel like a rude awakening.  This all hinges back on the lack of commitments that being single demands.  We forget about how you actually have to call back if you are going to cancel plans, or how actively engaging in conversation over dinner may feel.  Unlike riding a bike, being comfortable with a true expression of emotions and confidently recognizing your feelings for someone else comes and goes as quickly as confidence does.  The L word becomes a foreign language that is deleted from the vocabulary.  This word can even come to be a point of anxiety due to past rejections or hurt that still lingers. What is interesting about the L word is that each time it is said you annotate it with a different meaning.  You are a different person with each utterance of the word love and in return the expression itself takes on an entirely different meaning.  If thinking of this word and the commitment that it carries causes your heart to palpitate slightly don't give up on the possibility of finding your own L word yet.  Give yourself the time needed to go into a new relationship with a clear heart.  

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 While these suggestions may not sound very scientific, there isn't much about dating can be solved with a mathematical equation.  Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and so do the ways in which people go about finding them. Things begin to go wrong when you start putting pressure on yourself to transition out of singleness before you are ready.   Let yourself find comfort in whichever situation you may currently be in, and examine whether it is the right one for you.

Hopefully these suggestions can help reaffirm your decisions to be single or prompt you to make changes in the other direction. Consider the reasons you may value in the benefits of being single.

-RV

Decision Time

It seems like a lot of big decisions have been coming up lately. No one tells you that second semester is really that time of the year when  procrastination comes to fruition, we are all  trying to be productive while mustering some amount of personal accomplishment.  When all of these procrastinated obligations and neglected responsibilities come to light it suddenly feels like everything is piling on at once.  Whether it is getting that big project done before the academic year ends, or trying to find a new place to live since your current is the victim of domestic college student abuse, it elicits a time when stress reaches an all time high.  Mentally exhaustion sets in, and emotions feel like they are going haywire. 

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One more year of your life is about to pass and you still have so much to accomplish, leaving you with an impending feeling of fear and uncertainty.  Nothing is worse than feeling like you don't have time to accomplish all that you desire in a given period of time; priorities come into play and you now have to manage energy draining feelings of uncertainty while trying to not drop the ball on getting those final job applications mailed.  Maybe you are waiting for something to start once the semester ends...which can leave you feeling about as lost as many were during the Twinkie-apocalypse that occurred earlier this year.

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Whatever it may be that causes fear and uncertainty in your life, it is important that you consider how you manage those feelings and handle them in the way that least hinders your ability to maintain sanity. Instinctually the human body is programmed to feel fear and doubt. Look at it like your body's natural checking system that can tell you whether getting a tattoo of your boyfriend/girlfriend's name on your arm is a good idea.  You should feel some degree of fear if you are pursuing something that you want, but may not be the best decision at the current time.  Those emotions are a reflection that you have invested thought into the given situation and desire more than your current status may suggest.

Another distinction that needs to be made is whether you are doubting the situation, or fearful of something.  Where fear is linked with uncertainty and lack of concrete establishment, doubt is more of an internal emotion that helps you to avoid diving head first in the "no dive" zone.  These feelings can serve as a prompt for you to decide whether you should choose a different direction, or explore more of the situation that seems uncertain.

Fear
You begin to anticipate the idea of finding your dream job, and just when you start to plan out the new car you will purchase with your salary, the electric fence of reality zaps you back to life and your fears re-surface.  You become fearful that it may fall through, or you may disappoint others in the process.  While these are totally rational thoughts, it is interesting to consider that the lack of proof you will succeed directly correlates with the lack of proof that you will fail. In the world of a pessimist the universally understood fact is that things will not go as planned and failure is inevitable; life becomes bound by fears and stunted by the vulnerability of insecurity.  Whether you are a pessimist or not take your fears as a challenge to make the jump towards something that you truly want.  Believe that you can do more than you can't do, and life will begin to feel a little less intimidating. 

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Doubt
 If one bad breakup got together and had a child with one bad relationship the end result would be the feeling of doubt. Relationships are the instant associations we make when it comes to considering how doubt functions in  life.  It involves past experiences, knowledge of behaviors, or situations that did not go as planned. I was talking with someone today about a potential guy who she was talking to, or in her words the guy she "made intense eye contact with one day" which in the words of a 20 something means things could get serious.  Naturally the next step was to look him up online. We immediately spotted "red flags" all over his Facebook profile and she left the conversation overwhelmed with doubt, accepting the fact that a date for valentines was quickly becoming less of an option.  The profile says something like 'organizing my massive collection of Brett Michaels albums' or 'can't remember the last time I took a shower' and instantly your excitement of this new person begins to waver.  Similar to fear, doubts can also provide clarity to a situation that on its own may seem off putting.  You may feel like something isn't right, intuition will try to warn you, but it is human nature to pretend that "it's fine" leaving you in an endless battle with your subconscious over what is right.  It isn't until after you make a decision that the repercussions of your doubts are either affirmed or negated.  Maybe you shouldn't have slept through 5 weeks of classes, or dated your ex again for the 5th time, but with doubt comes the opportunity to learn from your own decisions. Drawing from the pre-school lessons that parallel endless sessions of 'timeout', you are directly responsible for your actions. Unfortunately real life timeout is generally more serious than that time you tried to cut your own hair.  As you get older doubts become a mode of self preservation, reminding you that dating the person who cheated on you twice is about as smart as taking the clippers to your bangs. 

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 The primary lesson that determines whether you are handling your fears and doubts adequately is to understand the relationship you have with yourself. You will know if you really want something bad enough to achieve it.  No matter who in your life may try to persuade you otherwise, you ultimately are the only person who can know what is right and wrong.  Whether it is fear or doubt hopefully your second semester and/or life decisions can begin to feel less stressful with a greater understanding of the emotions that fuel the unknown. 

-RV

Your Relationship with Food

January is the one time of the year when it is not completely insane to declare a total life revamp and resolve to change something that you are dissatisfied with.  It is also the one time of the year where it is socially acceptable to pretend like you are (because of one random day of the year) going to become this new from of self.  While I am 100% supportive of making positive resolutions and strides towards self improvement, I do not feel as strongly towards those individuals expecting instant changes.  You most likely aren't going to go to the gym every single day, or alter your entire diet just because it was time to pick out the new planner for the year.

Resolutions come in all shapes and sizes.  According to USA.gov the two most popular new year promises are to drink less alcohol, and to eat healthier food.  Both of these hinge on how they make the body feel, and how negatively it can impact your daily life.  This results from the negative relationship that many people experience with food. Because of this rocky understanding on how to properly nourish our bodies, we are bombarded with an outrageous amount of information about how different "Dr. Oz" like doctors think you should conquer the grocery store.  Medical news prompts you on the specific foods, and how much you need in order to look presentable come swimsuit season.  Portion control (its praises as worn out as your couch cushions) provides a valuable understanding of food, but does not account for the mental and emotional side of eating.  Your relationship with food is possibly one of the most crucial aspects to ever achieving the new years resolution to drop the unwanted pounds.  

As you begin to make changes towards a new you for this 2013 year read more on how to revitalize your food mentality. A healthy mind is reflected in a healthy appearance.  

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Don't diet yourself crazy 
Many break a sweat just considering the idea of a diet.  There are only hundreds of thousands diets to choose from and putting a set of rules on food usually results in eating your weight in brownies out of the sheer anxiety of choosing one.  If you have ever tried a diet and it didn't allow you to shed 10 pounds in 3 days chances are it wasn't the diet for you. Diets do you wrong based on the simple fact that no single food plan will work for everyone and usually no specific diet will either.  Change your mindset and consider the factors that comprise the diets that are the most interesting.  By taking aspects of the most appealing food plans you are able to customize your eating and feel that the decision to eat smarter is on your own terms.  Whenever there are changes in eating patterns please consult your doctor first to ensure that you are heading in the right direction! 

Another misconceiving aspect of a diet is that it is only temporary.  Jenny Craig may have you convinced that a 30 day trial will give you a supermodel figure, but the fact is that your mentality about food is a lifetime decision (not 20 frozen Lean Cuisines). Don't deny yourself the enjoyment of eating in return for a vegetable juicer!

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You will not be voted off the island just because you had one cookie
It comes down to the mentality of the vocabulary surrounded with food.  "I was so bad today I...(insert your favorite desert item here)." While you may feel empowered by admitting your guilt over devouring a cupcake that had more weight watchers points than was acceptable, it does not help you make improvements towards the future.  Going into a new lifestyle of eating with negative thoughts and a vocabulary that quantifies eating cookies on the same level as robbing a bank you will never feel satisfied; no matter what size you are. 

S.T.O.P
Are you Sleepy, Tired, Ornery, or Pissed-off... While my acronym attempt may not be as efficient as I had hoped, STOP eating if you are not hungry. It is one of the most simple things to do, yet the hardest to mentally understand. Once you begin to turn to food (or have turned in the past) for emotional support your mind begins to formulate associations with the feeling of eating and will prompt you to do so in the future.  Some of the top feelings that can trigger emotional eating relate to elevated states of mood and hormonal changes in both men and women.  While we may only view emotional eating as an unfortunate consequence of a breakup, there are many times when food is used to accommodate times of celebration as well.  Be aware of how you feel about food and when you choose to chow down. 

Be real about what you are consuming 
As obnoxiously tedious as this recommendation can sound keeping a journal about your daily food intake can put your food relationship into perspective. Things only seem to get busier as time goes on and the first consciousness that falls to the wayside is the daily intake.  Between work, school, and a social life it is hard for anyone to remember what they had for breakfast much less remember inhaling two burgers for dinner.  If you decide to journal looking at the inventory as more than a way to lose weight will make it less intimidating to see the reality of what you are putting into your body.  Once you realize that eating a whole pizza three times a week is truly happening, the mystery as to why your pants are shrinking will be solved!

 What are you really looking for?
There is always a philosophical aspect to any resolution. Something prompted you do desire this change, and there is a reason why it is challenging.  What do you really want from a healthy diet? When you consider what a new food lifestyle will provide in your life and how you will directly benefit from these changes, the transformation process won't be as difficult to accept.  You may feel like crunching into a bag of carrots sounds as enticing as getting a root canal, but if you are mindful of how wonderful the benefits of success are carrots can suddenly take the shape of some chocolate cheese cake and the experience becomes borderline stupendous. 

Enjoy the ride 

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See the eating transformation as an opportunity to explore something new.  Instead of dreading cooking up a dinner of mixed veggies, experiment with ways to make them more appealing.  The more effort you put into making a healthier selection part of your life, the more natural it will feel.  Healthy eating decisions are extremely difficult especially in the age of calorie counting and 'taco Tuesday' nights.  There is a clash between the pressure to be healthy, and the guilt felt by limiting yourself. Finding a balance that works for you while being mindful that your body needs the right foods to function is going to broaden your perspective to the benefits of loving food again.



We hope these suggestions help make your relationship less complicated, and leads to a HealthierU in 2013.

-RV

Want Something: Part 2

Next to maintaining some form of a reasonable GPA in school, one of the greatest stressors during this chapter of life can be figuring out how to not sacrifice your dignity while in the midst of dating.  There are few things more embarrassing than a bad choice in a partner, or suffering through the inevitable bad dates. Besides all the complications of being nice but not too nice, available but not too available etc… the real challenges start to arise when you feel like you aren't making progress on the road to relationship-hood.  When it doesn’t feel like you are getting what you want out of finding a relationship and dating, things start to warp into this desired reality that you wish to exist.  It can feel like an extreme state of confusion, decisions can become impulsive; like you are trying to soothe an indescribable dissatisfaction.  The most common reaction to the desperation of not finding that person seems to be the tactical move of reverting to the past.  

Dating should be less about matching outward circumstance than meeting your inner necessity-Anonymous 

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Your mind shuns the anxiety of meeting all the wrong people and you begin to lower your confidence in your own identity.  Suddenly that EX doesn’t seem like such a horrible situation, you really didn't mind when he/she was too clingy, or too boring, or too uninterested (insert whichever break up reason here).  The standards may begin to lower as the desire to redo the past lingers. Wanting something you used to have is not a realistic depiction of what you truly desire.  Besides dwelling on what used to be, the memories begin to fade and many of us choose to focus on the happier moments in what typically was a horrible relationship.  It is good to want something, but not something that doesn't want you. 

There are TWO SCENARIOS to this situation 

1. You are dating someone else but it doesn't feel like it should...

In this situation you will try and convince yourself of false truths and avoid admitting the obvious; that the EX only seems like a good idea because you saw a cute couple holding hands on your run this morning.  No matter who you are with, you will still get annoyed by the same things, laugh at the same things, and feel unhappy towards the same things over the course of life. Chances are the EX was a source of these negative examples and considering going back is tempting to repeat the past.  This in return closes you off from the potential to experience a new and possibly meaningful connection.  

OR

2. You are single and still pretending that your EX is waiting for you too...

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This one can take a psychological toll, and can make it difficult to see the potential of what may be right in front of you.  Playing the waiting game is how illogical rationalizations begin to develop.  No matter how hard you try, no relationship (whether it is with the EX or someone new) will ever be the same as the old one. I may be better or worse, but all you can do is allow yourself to be open to the possibilities. 

In MOST SITUATIONS, wanting something that you previously chose to give up is a blaring red flag that your current situation is not right. There is a reason why you are not with the same person you dated back then.  Whether you began to change, got bored, or wanted more out of the relationship something caused it to fail and communication to come to an end. I think that many people feel the desire to reconnect with the EX out of a need for closure. There is a motivation to seek out something that you didn't get the first time, but want to discover for your own sake.  If you choose to dwell on that motivation you stand no chance of moving forward.  Being stuck on the EX creates an imaginary bullet proof bubble that hinders your ability to actually move on with your life.  Instead of wanting the past, consider wanting something better than what you had.

You Owe it to Yourself 

Your old girlfriend/boyfriend  for whatever reason did not provide what you needed out of your relationship. Instead of wanting that person when things seem tough, realize that you are growing in more ways than you can realize.  You are allowed to want more than splitting the bill, or countless nights waiting for someone to call back.  We subject ourselves to these situations because it is how the game is perceived.  Dating doesn't have to be a drawn out trial and error process, and you can choose to avoid situations that will lead you no where. 

Take Responsibility

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Be honest about what you really want.  Usually if the EX begins to look like prince charming you desire one aspect of what you used to feel.  Because past relationships are so emotionally impacted, it can be easy to feel blinded by "the good times."  In order to move forward you need to take responsibility for how you want a partner to function in your life.  Understanding exactly what you desire out of another person can take time to comprehend.  Once you are able to clearly express what you need out of a relationship you will be on your way to establishing a successful one.  

Discover the Degrees of Dating 

When you are scrambling to replace the EX or trying to avoid being the only single friend, the random stranger at the bank can begin to look like a potential sole mate.  The anxiety associated with discontent in a relationship, or lack there of in your life translates into impulsive and irrational decisions.  Trying to make every person you meet into your new partner is not the answer.  This will not only exhaust you of all energy, but will creep out your unlucky victims.  No matter if you think you have the best poker face going, the other person in the situation will be able to feel your motivations.  There is a distinct difference between someone who is genuinely interested, and someone who is trying to fill the void.  Allow yourself to see new interactions as a potential connection. Whether you never see each other again, or remain close friends, experiencing different relationships will not only strengthen your perspective, but provide clarity to what you truly want in a relationship.    

No Judging

So you found someone who seems interesting, but they just don't know how to quote movies like the EX did.  Allowing comparisons like this to define who you choose to date is a one way ticket to a Netflix night for one.  You will never be able to recreate a past relationship, and there is no scientifically possible way to recreate an exact replica of a person either.  Comparing a new partner to the old ones is not only unfair to the new interest, but stunts your potential to evolve.  Learn to appreciate other aspects of what someone new brings to the table.  Making comparisons and passing judgements can be a difficult obstacle to over come in achieving your desired relationship.  By opening your mind you will have an easier time at getting what you truly want both in life and relationships.  

I am not saying that we all need to go sign up on Match.com, or get a name tag for the next local speed dating convention. Have the confidence to give yourself what you want, and what you truly deserve with an open mind and heart.  

-RV

Wandering Minds

As studying for exams commences and getting everything together for the holidays approaches, it is easy to feel like you are spreading yourself too thin. College students already feel like they are being pulled in too many directions, but this time of the year can send those stresses into heighten new extremes.  One of the most prominent signs of stress and anxiety is the inability to focus. While we could discuss the endless (negative) health effects of stress on your life, this post is meant to consider why you may have trouble diverting your thoughts from Facebook, and centering them on the research paper that you haven't started yet.

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Once your mind begins to wander it can take twice the time to get it back on track. This is when the distractions turn into rationalizations; you may begin to make promises with yourself to recommence on the task after you finish another episode of Walking Dead.  If you average out how many of your thoughts are comprised of focused substance in comparison with how many are spent day dreaming, it results in about a 50/50 split for young adults ages 18-25.  This lack of concentration impacts your body on a chemical level and ultimately results in the prolonged lifestyle of the procrastinator.  Scientists are targeting telomeres as the biological culprit for the lack of focus. According to researchers at the University of California telomeres are the protective caps at the end of chromosomes, and a direct reflection of your brain's accelerated rate into the aging process.  These telomeres will naturally get shorter as you get older, and reflect the onset of disease as you age. At the quarter life age of 20 something no one wants to try and tackle college calculus with the mental capacity of a 70 year old, the energy needed to focus would be exhausting. 

Multiple research studies done through the California Research Lab of Cognitive Therapy have proven that individuals who report a difficulty focusing have shorter telomeres overall.  One of the main reasons why we subconsciously let our minds wander is because it is easier to focus on something that does not have carry the amount of stress and pressure that writing a 20 page paper encompasses.  A quick suggested fix is to simply breathe.  The Journal of Emotion reports that a mere 8 minutes of focused breathing will help bring your mind back to focus.  With the benefits of breathing comes meditation and yoga. Both of these practices are not only good for your physical health, but stimulate the enzyme telomeres that can help elongate your chromosome caps. Trying out meditative practices will not only make you physically stronger, but will benefit your mental stamina as well. 

Certain vitamin deficiencies may also be causing you to forget to turn the stove off.  Deficiencies in certain vitamins like D and B-12 will hinder your ability to focus and lead to the dulling of nerve receptors in the frontal cortex.  Luckily offsetting the imbalance with vitamin supplements like omega-3s will not only slow your aging process but help strengthen your telomeres.

Once you establish a balanced diet filled with the necessary vitamins it is time to get moving. It may seem like exercise is the ultimate health cure all...because it is! With just 30 minutes of exercise a day you telomeres can look almost 10 years younger than those who are less than physically inclined.   If you are wondering where to start in order to maintain your memory, the majority of health specialists recommend a minimum of 30 minutes a day three to five times a week.  This physical activity and stimulated brain activity can actually rewire a distracted brain and will ultimately prevent against the dulling of sensors that can lead to memory affecting illnesses like Alzheimer's disease.

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There will be times that the situations seem to build up, and your life roles will conflict.  Prioritizing all of these responsibilities can sometimes demand more than the mind can handle which results in this feeling of distraction.  Built up stress and anxiety not only take years off your life, but cause you to have an elevated awareness of your surroundings.  Even the smallest distractions can turn into an hour of being side tracked. When watching grass grow becomes more interesting than the conversation you should be listening to, it may be time to take a minute or so to try and regain focus. 

The next time you lose your keys three times in one hour or try to put the cereal in the refrigerator consider how you may be treating your telomeres, and if that doesn't work proceed to meditate until all problems are solved.



Read more about wandering minds here!

Physical effects of stress

-RV